Sometimes, Depression Is…

Sometimes, it’s being drawn back into bed, because the covers make you feel safe and warm and just a little more ok.

Sometimes, it’s stressing over what excuse you can come up with to get out of leaving the house and being around other people, without completely pissing them off and causing them to give up on you.

Sometimes, it’s texting your therapist to see if you can just do a phone call session because you just don’t want to leave the house for the very thing that’s supposed to help.

Sometimes, it’s making an extra cup of coffee, hoping it will fill what’s missing and give you some kind of magical energy to keep pushing forward.

Sometimes, it’s convincing the kids to all play together in another room and sneaking away to binge watch a show that will take your mind somewhere else.

Sometimes, it’s browsing Facebook marketplace, Amazon, and Pinterest every chance you get. Almost like you’re hoping to find something that will make you feel better or inspire you.

Sometimes, it’s completely ignoring a commitment, knowing it’s going to keep nagging you deep down and making you feel guilty and full of anxiety, but you just don’t have the energy to go through with it.

Sometimes, it’s cold hot dogs and fruit for lunch.

Sometimes, it’s binging on chips, ice cream, chocolate, popcorn, or whatever brings you a temporary high because “who cares?!” But you know you do, and you’ll feel terrible later.

Sometimes, it’s being so withdrawn and distracted that you’ve forgotten to feed yourself.

Sometimes, it’s snapping at anyone who disrupts your attempts at finding peace.

Piled up dishes.

Neglecting picking something up after you’ve dropped it.

Staring at piles of laundry you don’t have energy too deal with.

Avoiding.

Hiding.

Feeling hopeless.

Depression is real, it’s hard, it’s exhausting and alienating.

And today I’m feeling it.