Parenting A Highly Sensitive Little Me

I told The Daddy before we even had Dash that I hoped our kids would be like him. He’s so laid back and somehow able to just let things go. (Little did I know at that time, it is equally hard to parent a toddler version of my husband… Then we had Bear.)

Well, Dash ended up looking just like my husband – all the kids do. Personality wise though, he ended up just like me.

Highly sensitive & deeply emotional.

I had a lot of trouble through my school-age years. It was just hard for me to connect with people. It felt somewhere in between being too much (for people to handle) and not enough. I didn’t want to be there. Not just at school, I didn’t want to be in that place in my life anymore. I had dreams that I felt were just waiting right around the corner.

I wanted to be an adult.

I was sick of being forced to be around a school full of people I didn’t connect with every day. With graduation came a feeling of freedom. Freedom to choose who got space in my life. 

I wanted to be a Wife and Mom, I wanted to find something, someone to complete me, love me, and make me feel wanted. I know now that I still had a lot of maturing to do, but it wasn’t going to happen at a school full of a bunch of people the same age who were all trying to figure themselves out too.

I remember a lot of late nights sitting in my living room with my Mom for hours just talking and crying. Desperately wishing that I could just be done with school and away from all of that. Wanting my own family. Wanting to be a Mom. Wanting a husband to love me, my own home, a life I built on my own terms.

I wanted the freedom to just walk away and never look back when something felt painful.

I wanted control.

When I started dating, it made life even more complicated. Wanting to love someone and be loved was all I wanted. In hindsight, expecting to find that with another teenager was never a good idea. I got attached to people, and every change in relationship or friendship left me devastated.

That feeling continued into my twenties and it’s still there sometimes. Investing into relationships that don’t work out is still so disappointing to me. But I’ve learned a caution and patience I didn’t have back then. I’ve also learned to bury the things that bother me. It’s not a healthy habit, but temporarily it makes things more bearable instead of feeling paralyzed in the moment.

There’s still a lot of pain that comes up when I think of those years.

It really gets to me even deeper now that I have children of my own. Especially watching Dash figure out life. He is the most like me. He walks against the grain. He’s musical and creative. He’s brilliant and so very emotional.

I had a realization the other day that made me feel ashamed of myself. I have had the tendency to dismiss his emotional reactions. I do it because I feel like life would be easier if he didn’t feel things so deeply like me.

But I’m shutting him down when he needs me to tell him it’s ok to feel the way he is feeling. I don’t want to change him because I love who he is.

It’s the hurt kid in ME that wants HIM to change.

It’s like watching him take the harder path that I know is full of obstacles and heartbreak instead of the straight and easy path. The kid in me is yelling “STOP! You’re doing it wrong! Don’t get so invested! Don’t feel so deeply! Just listen to me, I KNOW! I just want to save you!” 

Something I really struggled with as a kid was wanting my feelings, thoughts, or ideas to be valued. I needed people to listen, understand, and agree. As an adult now, I recognize the flaw in that thinking. No matter how right I think I am, I can’t make people agree. However, even now, I still get caught up trying to get people to listen or understand.

When I see my son struggling, or see people getting frustrated with him, I see myself.

It takes everything in me sometimes to just let him be. He’s still at an age where he doesn’t notice another parent giving me the side eye. He doesn’t realize he’s being judged. He’s still mostly innocently happy. He doesn’t feel as alone as I remember feeling. 

Deep inside myself, I’m scared that things could change any time. I know that’s my anxiety talking.

As his Mom, I want to be there to walk that difficult path with him, because I’m the best person to guide him through it. I want to be there to hold him when life and emotions are exhausting. He gets frustrated when he is not heard, or when he doesn’t feel valued or understood. I get that, and I want him feel those things!

Telling him not to feel things and pushing him to ignore his emotions won’t help. Making him feel safe, loved, and secure will though. I don’t want to take the hard-ass approach.

I don’t foresee any of my kids growing up and thinking “Man, I wish I didn’t feel so loved and supported as a kid”

Feeling deeply is a blessing and a curse. It actually makes me great at my job as a graphic designer. I think through things in every direction, my brain is always going. It makes me very creative. 

Whatever my kids end up wanting to do in life, I want to help them achieve their dreams. I want to build them up so high that they wont feel the same lows I remember feeling.

At the same time, I want to be honest and transparent.

I have long talks with Dash often. He’s actually a great person to just snuggle up and talk to. I tell him about real things in a way he can understand. 

Recently, I tried to explain depression to him by having him imagine me carrying so many books I could barely walk. I continue to use that analogy to remind him that the little things I ask of him – like cleaning up after himself – is my way of asking him to take a couple books from me. 

My hope is that he continues to feel deeply, but mostly deep joy.

I want him to know he’s NOT ALONE. He has a Mom, Dad, and family that love him so much. He has someone who really truly understands and people who will keep trying their hardest to understand.

I want my kids to feel fulfilled doing what they love. SO MUCH that the hard, bad, sad stuff doesn’t have enough space to creep in.

I want them to feel so completely loved that they don’t go looking for something or someone to complete them. 

I want them to enjoy school because they love learning, instead of dreading going because they don’t feel like they fit in.

I don’t want them to spend their childhood wishing it away.

I pray that God guides them to surround themselves with good people. All kinds of people. Different ages, backgrounds, lifestyles, everything. 

I want a lot for my kids, and I never realized it would be so hard to be a Mom. I know everyone says that. It’s emotionally draining sometimes – like, a lot of times. 

Are you the parent you thought you’d be?

How does your childhood sneak into your parenting?

Do you have a mini-you, a mini-someone else, or a mix of both?

Let me know in the comments! I love reading your responses.