Impostor Syndrome

It’s not a secret anymore that I have had some hard struggles with depression and anxiety. I don’t feel the need to hide it as much as I used to. It’s been a life-long part of me.

Sometimes it feels like it comes and goes in waves. Things will be going well and I’ll feel like it’s safe to take a leap, only to get swallowed by this monster again.

I didn’t talk about it much until it got really bad a couple years ago. I’m certain I had some degree of postpartum depression after each kid. Unfortunately, with Sunshine’s traumatic birth experience happening at a time where many other issues were bubbling under the surface, it got to be too much and it took me down hard.

Depression feels like drowning.

That’s the best way I can think to explain it. Sinking, flailing, gasping for air. Reaching the surface to take a breath and getting pulled right back down. It’s scary, it’s lonely, and it’s so so exhausting.

It’s been about 2.5 years since I hit that terribly low point where postpartum depression consumed me. After counseling, some meds (I felt like it was the right thing for me at that point) and a lot of support and healing, I feel like I’m “back on track”…Most of the time.

What does this have to do with blogging?

It’s kind of my personality to get really excited about something and jump in, but often I end up feeling like I’m in over my head and second-guessing myself. I thought I was determined to make this blogging journey successful.

But I fell into a trap.

Have you ever heard of impostor syndrome? 

IMPOSTOR SYNDROME (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience)

a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

It’s not the first time I’ve struggled with this. I have battled it through my graphic design career. Any time I get negative feedback, or turned down for a job, even when I see a really great design or see the qualifications of other graphic designers that I don’t have.

I feel it in motherhood. ALL THE TIME, actually.

So, it wasn’t too big of a surprise when I started doubting myself in my new blogging adventure. I let all of those negative thoughts spiral in my head and got some terrible writers block. I tried for a while to push through it, but I wasn’t happy with anything I came up with.

Another struggle of mine is a tendency to avoid things that make me uncomfortable. That’s what I did. I felt like I failed and I wanted to ignore it and pretend it never happened.

But Guys, I REALLY WANT TO BLOG! I honestly enjoy it.

I get discouraged when there’s not much response to the content I create because I’m honestly putting a lot of work into it.

I went in knowing not to expect to become a sensation overnight. But it’s been SLOW, and I wasn’t adequately prepared to handle the disappointment.

I took some time off.

I got through the stress of the holidays and Mars’s 6 month growth spurt which I’m fairly sure lasted past 7 months and IT. WAS. EXHAUSTING.

The whole time, thoughts popped into my head about what people would think when they noticed I had stopped writing. My brain has a poor habit of imagining the worst possible thoughts people could have. I’m too often putting myself down. There’s a lot of garbage from the past that gets stirred up when I’m already struggling.

It can take weeks, occasionally months for me to get back to what I would call a good mental space. Not that the whole time is spent at my lowest, just that it takes a while to clean up the mess that the hurricane left.

I’m not sure exactly what it was, but something clicked again recently.

I think there was a sense of relief after I felt like hosting Christmas this year went really well. I was doing some cool things and I just really felt the desire to share them again.

So I wrote about bone broth. Simple, but it got me past my writers block. Then I went back and edited a couple pieces I had started working on during my little “vacation” and published one about the murphy-style art table I built for the kids. After that, I decided I wanted to share the secret of my turkey brine recipe too.

And here I am working on my fourth piece this week, opening the flood gates and letting you all in to see my insecurities and failures.

It might take a while, but I think I can do this. I want to build my tribe of like-minded people through this blog. I want to share the things that excite me and make me laugh, as well as the things I learn or even fail at. I want to build a Creative & Messy Community.

You are my people.

Thank You.

**UPDATE: I LISTENED TO A FANTASTIC BOOK ON AUDIBLE THAT REALLY HELPED ME WITH SOME OF THESE ISSUES I WAS EXPERIENCING AND I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU!