Feeling “Not Enough”

I thought about finally going to college for the first time at almost 30.

I’m not sure I could pinpoint any one thing that got me feeling so desparate. I was in a season where I was constantly down on myself for not being successful enough.

I went as far as reaching out to a couple schools to get more information. I even talked to someone from admissions for an online art school based somewhere outside of Michigan. He talked to me for a while and sent me an application. I ended up feeling completely overwhelmed and dodging his follow-up calls.

I felt like I needed some form of degree just to prove that I deserved the success I’ve had.

I’ve written about these kinds of feelings before in one of my first blog posts and again in my post about Imposter Syndrome.

These feelings can usually be traced back to my fear of other people’s  opinion or perception of me. Once again, people who really should not matter were living rent free in my brain.

I know in my “good moments” that I am a talented and successful graphic designer. I have a good amount of work coming in on a regular basis. Enough to bring in some extra money without taking too much time away from my stay at home mom gig.

I still hesitate to admit I don’t have a degree. I never studied graphic design. I am “self taught” and “self made”. I don’t like sharing that with people because I don’t want to be seen as a fraud.

I know darn well there’s no fraud in my work, I’m not cheating anybody.

Still, occasionally I fall into the trap of seeing myself as worth LESS because I never went to college.

There’s a lot of reasons I never went to college.

Being bullied in my school years, struggling with learning disabilities, and just not feeling like I needed college because in highschool my dream was to up and move to Haiti and live there as a missionary for the rest of my life are just a few reasons.

I wanted the freedom to choose who I spent time with. Luckily, after highschool besides the time spent at my crappy barely above minimum wage job as a manager at McDonald’s, I was mostly able to steer clear of people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

By the way, I’m very thankful for that crappy job because that’s how I met The Daddy. Eventually we had babies, I stopped working outside of our home, I started doing daycare, had MORE babies, and taught myself all about Graphic Design.

I’m confident you can learn just about anything on Pinterest or YouTube. But I also learned a lot just by experimenting with different things and looking at other graphic designer’s work.

Looking back on my work at the beginning of my career, I critique myself and even cringe a bit from time to time.

I got serious about building a business after I took on doing graphic design for a brand new “church plant” when The Daddy brought us on board the launch team. It is still our home church and I still do the graphic design as well as lead the birth-3rd grade children’s ministry. I’ve been able to really work on my skills and build my portfolio that way.

Even with all of my success, I still got into seasons of feeling like I just wasn’t enough without a degree.

I wanted to be able to say,

“Yes, I have a *such and such degree* from *wherever*” in conversations with new people over a glass of wine and feel like they were impressed with me and all my wisdom.

Honestly, I do take pride in being self taught and self made. I did that. I made something of myself while still doing what I wanted to do – staying home raising my sweet babies. Most times I don’t feel like I missed much by not going to college straight out of highschool.

I’m so grateful to my husband who has helped inspire me and push me along the way. He still works 50+ hour weeks outside of our home and never makes me feel like less because my career path looks different than his.

Where would I be without The Daddy? I don’t even want to think about that!

Where would I be if I went to college? Hmmm… I don’t know. Probably still in debt from student loans?

I guess if a potential client doesn’t want to hire me based on my lack of degree, instead of based on my abilities, I’ll get over it. It might sting, but I’ll still have great clients who love my work.

I am a really fricken great graphic designer, with or without a degree.

I AM ENOUGH.

A book I read recently has helped my confidence and positive attitude about my business. If you’re looking for a good read (or listen) I highly reccomend Girl, Stop Apologizing! The Author, Rachel Hollis is also a self made business woman. *That’s my affiliate link, BTW*